I've thought a lot lately about my identity as a mum and a carer.
Just after we were given our prenatal prognosis of the high likelihood that Hermione would be born with Down Syndrome, I remember saying to Danny, "what if I have to give up work?"
I remember it being a thought I kept revisiting throughout the pregnancy.
Looking back, I realise I was trying to grasp and seek out my new identity; not only as a mother, but as a potential carer.
I won't lie: it was daunting.
I'd been a single mum to Hermione's sister for six years before I met Danny. I'd worked full-time in education; juggling, like a lot of people do, the responsibilities and demands of parenting, and the commitments and pressures of work.
I just about coped and I thought I knew who I was and perhaps I was nearing the finished product of me.
Fast forward a few years, and suddenly this carved out identity seemed on shaky ground. I was free-falling in a universe unfamiliar to me.
Work was part of me; and me part of it.
What if it was no longer a part of me?
When Hermione came along, I returned to work part-time for a period, and reverted back to the version of myself I knew.
Eventually giving up work altogether to become Hermione's full-time carer, was a strange, but for me, necessary thing.
The anxiety of balancing it all was causing me to buckle.
But I struggle with not seeing colleagues everyday: the same ones I'd seen for 18 years.
We struggle as a family on a lower income and the reliance on benefits.
I worried that I wouldn't be able to unpick who I am at all.
It's taken nearly a year to really get to know this new version of me and I'm still working on it.
I take life slower because Hermione does.
I have different expectations of myself and daily life.
Being a parent carer does change you; whether you're a carer who works full-time, part-time or has chosen to leave work. You choose the thing that is right for you: to keep you sane.
I realise that it wasn't the end of my identity when I gave up work, but that I'm evolving towards a direction I never expected to.
We always say Hermione has made us better people, and that is the truest thing.
She is an unexpected joy who has unlocked parts of my identity I never knew I had.
At 20 weeks pregnant, it seemed unthinkable to me that I would not have my identity of work.
I wish I could tell my former self that it was going to be okay. Different, but okay.
And that identity can be sought out in the most joyfully unexpected places.
