I know many of you will know that baby loss is something that has recently affected our family. Please feel free not to read on if this is not for you.
Whilst my blog is primarily about our life with Hermione, I couldn't let today pass without writing about the significance of this day.
Today is my 41st birthday. One year ago today, almost to the hour, on my 40th birthday, I sat in a dimly lit scan room, and was informed that our baby, our son, Arthur, was so poorly, that he would not make it into this world.
The devastation felt was a crashing wave of grief, of terror and of loss that made me feel like ripping my own heart out.
The months following made me question everything about the foundations of life. Trust, faith, and feeling safe were all things that now seemed out of my reach.
Life felt cruel and skewed, and tinged with such profound sadness.
Today I received a letter inviting me to make an appointment for a post-mortem debrief for our second baby we lost, our daughter, Robyn, at 20 weeks, just 10 months after Arthur.
Baby loss is something that never goes away. It seeps into your every core: affects all aspects of your life. It affects your past, your present and your future.
It is a palpable pain, that can render you frozen in time for weeks; months at a time, and I am realising it is for the rest of your life.
The processes, the reminders, the triggers...
They just never go away.
So today, I take gentle care of myself: I write and remember, all the while still being a mum to my living children.
Today, and always, my heart is with all who have experienced this unique pain.
Commentaires